Bennie Wayne

I had experienced some duality of emotion prior to this experience – for example excitement to start a new job and sadness to stop working with cherished coworkers/friends or sorrow with losing a pet, but comfort knowing they were no longer in pain. However, I never quite knew the heaviness of this emotional conflict before our NICU journey. I feel that this is important for me to share with friends and family to give some insight into my current world.

Some of the feelings I have been experiencing at different moments in this journey include:

Guilt and Pride

Guilt that I did not carry Bennie full term, but pride that I knew something was wrong in my body. Pride that I got her 28 weeks. Pride that we both survived. We are strong girls!

Confidence and Insecurity

Confidence that I am a great mom, the best mom for Bennie. Insecurity that I cannot meet all of Bennie’s needs at this time.

Hope and Fear

Hope that Bennie will continue to grow and improve. Hope that she will have a functioning bowel and not need IV nutrition long term. Hope that we can enjoy many wonderful family meals together as she gets older. Hope that we can run and play together. Fear that she will be sick. Fear that she will not enjoy or tolerate all food. Fear of losing her.

Joy and Sorrow

Joy to have Bennie with us. Joy to see her sweet cheeks getting fuller. Joy with every snuggle. Joy to care for her. Joy with every moment of progress. Sorrow that we have to go through this hard time. Sorrow that she had to have surgery. Sorrow that we did not get to experience some newborn moments that I so longed for. Sorrow that we are away from home.

Anger and Appreciation

Anger that I can not be with her all day and night. Appreciation for the nurses who are so so incredible. Anger that we have to go through this. Appreciation for our knowledge and skills that allow us to be great parents for Bennie.

The list could go on…

Overall, the pride, joy, hope, confidence and appreciation outweigh the others. I think it is so important to acknowledge that it is ok to feel both things. I understand that our friends and family are likely experiencing some of this duality of emotion too as you all patiently await our homecoming and meeting sweet Bennie.

We are so thankful for all the love and support we continue to receive ❤️